strawberryrice cakes

Improved eating

shar0 — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 19:27:56 +0000

Today , wasn’t such an eventful day. Woke up went to my morning maths class , came back home and so on. Well I feel my eating portions have improved ten fold and that I really feel I’m finally getting the portions sizes right. I really want to get into that frame of mind of not obsessing over food and see food as fuel.

Since its really hard getting over the fat girl frame of mind , being not the tallest person I reached like 160lbs at just 5ft 3,5 inch , well now I’m 5ft 4inch . I t was really hard since I was in self denial there in that time thinking that I wasn’t fat just ‘big boned’ that was joke I would use to shrugg of comments about my weight.

Right now I’am around 124lbs , goal is 120lbs but I’m doing it at a slow steady pace since the slow and steady it is keeping myself in that weight will be easy.

Mothers

shar0 — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 21:38:04 +0000

My mother , well what can I say . Her life was filled with hardship and truama but you would expect her to come out fighting like in those true story movies however her personality didn’t let her. I wonder , why did she became a mother ; was it to fullfill her own desires of making her child have full fill her childhood dreams . Or was it she wanted to have a identity as a person rather than a victim of life.

Who , knows . ……

But , for sure I wasn’t born to take care of her or play dress up. Since I tore up my dresses and refuse to baby her , since I cannot deny her truth of the reality we leave in. I guess as she was denied a mother in her life , I was denied a mother aswell.

sorry for the hiatus

shar0 — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 19:30:29 +0000

Life has been crushing me a little , to be honest been blogging more on blogger since its been a bit more friendly over there since there’s been one follower amongst the thirteen who has been nice to leave comments very often to my posts.

To answer the question to the person who left the comment previously , yes the tattoo hurted but it was the pain that left you screaming your head off. I with stood the pain.

My question here right now is ….. ‘Can science explain everything?’

tuesday , tattoo finally

shar0 — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 20:03:15 +0000

well today finally got my tattoo , it was a five hour process . Had it done on my left wrist.This is my first tattoo but you kind of build it up in your head to be really painful but its not really like that . Of course you feel pain but its pain you can withstand. Well I’am happy since I wanted a tattoo for a very long time now I finally have one and I’m happy.

Monday ‘getting back to normal eating patterns’

shar0 — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 12:34:28 +0000

My weekend ,was just doing homework . But it was a productive weekend anyway thinking back of last week I’am happy to say that I’m proud of myself for having good portion of food and eating properly after doing lots of excerise . Also eating when I’m hungry, this has always been a tough thing for me to alcomplish since I guess have disordered eating thoughts where I see eating past 4 would lead me to ballon up to 160lbs , since I see what I’am doing now is to getting into a normal eating pattern . When time comes and I’m down to my desired weight , would have learn’t by then to maintain my weight.

So, I guess to achieve that is by eating clean and organic as much as possible since I know that its hard to get everything organic. My main thing right now to bring some patterns is not weigh myself or measure myself , since If i see the scale and i know it can be triggering and might lead me to overreact. Right now I can’t afford to restrict my food intake since I need to proper nourishment to feed my brain for my studies and learning maths.

saturday ‘to be not afraid of things I don’t understand

shar0 — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 18:55:53 +0000

had my saturday maths class this morning , my lesson’s start at 10:00 and finsh at 11:30. Have october then november when I resit my maths test since I have been working to improve my maths grade to a d to c since maths has been a week point for me but the d has been a progression from a e to d so its an improvement but I want an c to I can show universities that I have an average understanding of maths.

My other goal at the moment aswell is to carry on learning till it doesn’t become an problem so the next tests in the summer I want aim for an A. I guess its my show to the world that I can improve on the area most weak and work hard to overcome the problem I don’t understand. And when I will come to understand it I will stop being afraid as I will to understand the thing I’am afraid of.

As people are always afraid of things they don’t understand , so this is an perfect example of that . Like I say why can’t I not aim high for maths , I’m learning , I’m working hard and the most important thing I’m willing and wanting to learn. Of course my aim in life is to be a doctor , a healer for people I guess its my dig to my genetics since not to be rude to my mother but yes to my biological father , that I will beat the genes I was given that say that I don’t have the mental capacity to do extrodianary things like save people , heal people and carve out my own future . Where I will the impossible , where people say you can’t , I will say ‘I can’ , when they say its impossible I will say ‘IT IS POSSIBLE’

Since I know if God made us in his image , why do we limit our selves when God has not limits. Since that is humanties greatest condriction.

thursday

shar0 — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 13:41:02 +0000

Had only one lesson at college today , my teacher was kind enough to offer helping me get a place at the university he studied at as I want to go there. The university has the courses I really want to do. Like biomedical science and open language course , where I want to learn Japanese properly since I tried so hard to learn my self but only learned the basic stuff.

So I know with a teacher and a class it will make my goal of learning Japanese better. Well , I feel like the HGH injection is working where I think I have lost some bodyfat and the darl circles under my eyes are starting to clear a bit however its still early days since today is the last shot and monday start the four cycle again.

so goals at the moment

1. work to get the high grades for my last year in college

2. get into university

3. get to 120lbs.

So , these my goal at the moment , losing the weight part is last as I see it like what the point of being 120lbs when you didn’t get to university. So , education over vanity for the moment. Its like I haven’t myself for 4 weeks since I know I will freak out if I don’t see the result I want on the scale.

At the moment I see getting down to my desired weight is by eating healthy and not eating the cheap junk.

scene from london / larabar/ eats

shar0 — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 16:47:07 +0000

The bus stop , where I was waiting for the bus to go home.

Lara bar fruit and nut , after reading so many reviews on how good it is . Finally decided to buy one and I rate it 4 out of 5 . Have to admit , I feel like I have tasted the flavour some where before.

The food in my lunch box that I spread through out the day.

Had first shot

shar0 — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 13:55:46 +0000

Had my first shot of HGH yesterday , and wow did it felt like I was on fire . But , appareantly I was reading background information on it and it helps to relief depression. So , I guess by the end of this I should have my brain rewired and be happy dandy.

2:54 pm

just came back from an outreach center to pick up insulin needles , there’s a big over the whole i.u system of measuring the HGH supplement.

waiting still for tattoo from vampire knight

shar0 — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 13:53:28 +0000

Here’s the tattoo I wanna get , its more vamipre knight a manga which I love . However I’am not gettin the tattoo because of the manga just because what it symbolises for me personally.

Besides I have always loved the whole vampire trend , it has always fit my way of thinking . The whole fighting your evil side while trying to stay as human as possible .